A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
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This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Is….Is this an option?
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
DOOO EEEET
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.