A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
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Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
5, 6, 7, 8 is the LMNOP of the numbers
Currently experiencing the worst thing that can happen to a person (folding laundry)
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
In search of a lawyer who handles the most heinous of crimes. My 4yo woke me up at 5:30 this morning by sneezing in my face and then hopped away like a bunny.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Calm down ma’am, the only other people that want your man is local Law Enforcement.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party