A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
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As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
Home Alone 2 is crazy because how the hell do you lose your kid twice
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
These dogs look like they have good credit.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Why do cannibals never eat rich kids?
Because they’re spoiled
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
out-housing market appears to be strong
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach