A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
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Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
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“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
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Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”