A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
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“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
Leo: They say the best revenge is living well, when in fact the best revenge is living IN a well and poisoning your enemy’s water supply with your foul presence.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
An odd boast
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
shut up and take my money
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
The pigeons are plotting to overthrow the government. It will start with a coo.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes