Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes

optometrist: again, please hold still

most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.

“I wouldn’t.”

ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.

The best part about Smarties is pouring them into an empty prescription bottle and shaking them all into my mouth while in line at the bank

Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.

Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk

Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.

I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.

When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.

That’s someone else’s problem.

-me, putting back a pen that wouldn’t write

ME: my contract says I can work from home

BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine

Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..

“Him?”

No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!

I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries

The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..

Person: Are you on the conference call?

Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?

“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”

Facebook is worse than my parents.

My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”

And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself

Never again would she do what Simon said

4: mommy? *takes bite*

Me: yes, love?

4: *chewing* I’m hungry.

Me: …I have good news

Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”

Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-

Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women

Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right

The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss

By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%

On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on

This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.

At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.

Executioner: last meal?

Me: I want to eat the electric chair

Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that

I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”

Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid

Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-

Me: the bottom half

Waiter: very good, sir

I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming