Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

won’t smith

I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.

ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts

I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.

It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.

FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota

Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?

Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.

My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.

I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.

I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.

I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.

Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.

the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments

having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.

CW: How was your weekend?

*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”

CW: Are you talking to a stapler?

“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”

*pulls away from kissing*

batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?

i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too

Person: *yelling at me*

Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better

Person: *abruptly shutting up*

Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.

Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in

What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?

A blood vessel…

Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.

If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.

Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.

Women,

If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.

Sincerely,
Men

*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears

‘Sup.

If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.

(Playing an online game with my My 10yr old where you get a theme and decade to recreate)
10: Okay, you got Hollywood annnd the 1950s.
Me: Fun! I love that.
10: You were alive then, right?
Me: This isn’t fun anymore. 😂

[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it