A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
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I bought 6 apples and without knowing, my gf bought 10 apples. She gave 3 away to our neighbor and honestly I didn’t think this sort of thing actually happened.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
thoughts?
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?