A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
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Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
taking June’s advice to heart
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Pretty much! 😂👀
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!