A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
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When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
o shit
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
When you’re here for the treats.