A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
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In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
Don’t go keto, go pirate. Rum, fish and beef jerky diet 💯
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.