A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
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“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)