Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it

Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.

So many village idiots. So few dragons.

All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?

[At drive through]

GUY: would you like a drink holder?

ME: ya sure

[driving home]

ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?

GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.

One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.

angel: whatcha making?

god: *sharpening a fly* bee

I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.

guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me

JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever

ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age

Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone

I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are

Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own

My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.

Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.

linkedin the good parts

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.

Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.

Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.

Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.

Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.

I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.

Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.

Her: I don’t believe I threw it.

6YO: Daddy you’re so talented

Me: Awww Thank Y..

6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing

If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”

This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.

Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.

A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.

I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.

Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.

[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*