Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you

Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?

Me: Yes, I was.

Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.

Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.

When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.

*at divorce court

Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.

Judge: I’m sorry – What??

Her: I win, right?

If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.

i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am

You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.

*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*

You’re free now

Clown: [reaching for his nose]

Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please

French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.

Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner

I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!

wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?

me:

*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.

And we wonder why America is getting fat.

MATH

Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs

How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars

Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.

And sorry about your neck hole.

Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.

if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight

The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.

Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!

Someone:

Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.

My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.

The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨

Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.

Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽‍♀️

I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.

Her: Are you getting off early today?

Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!

12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this

Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.