A charcuterie board is just dry soup
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My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
one thing they don’t tell you in driving school is that it’s ok to miss your exit and get off on the next one and loop back, instead of coming nearly to a full stop in the middle of the freeway or careening across multiple lanes of traffic quickly to try to make it
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
totally get it, nature valley bar, i also pretend to be healthy and then crumble under the slightest pressure
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
My wife complains when mosquitoes get into the house, but she gets super mad when I release bats in the living room. Make up your mind, woman!
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
legos are too expensive nowadays. They should go back to costing as much as they did when my parents paid for them
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often