A charcuterie board is just dry soup
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how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
My #1 “younger millennial” trait is I am young enough that playing video games is a lifelong hobby of mine but old enough that I have absolutely no desire to play online against strangers.
My beef is with The Computer and The Computer only. Outsiders do not need to get involved
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding… Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with
“Welcome back everyone”
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name