A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
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Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
Me: [watching news]
Child: Why do you watch the news?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: I asked-
Me: I’M THINKING
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.