A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
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my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
I want my car horn changed so that every time I press it, it just yells “SERIOUSLY?!”
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
I’m at BJs if anyone needs 500 tampons, a vat of mayonnaise, or a gazebo hmu.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!