A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
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Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
scared to check what name she chose
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
that wasn’t the question
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.