A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
You Might Also Like
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.