Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just spent a solid 6 seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside

When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.

*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*

Me: I can forgive but I’ll NEVER forget

McDonald’s cashier: Again Sir, I’m sorry we left you a nugget short in your six piece meal

HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.

This is Huahua. He was told not to chew on the furniture. Which he isn’t. He is chewing under the furniture. 12/10

Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.

Me: Alexa, make me a drink.

Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.

By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.

Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.

them: With great power comes great responsibility

me: *shuts off electricity*

I love the word placebo, but it lacks something

Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain

Mary: Jesus stop complaining

A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.

The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.

*watches someone skateboard off a roof

…hold my beer

Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?

Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.

But it’s definitely up there.

toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities

[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese

Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…

me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any

also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it

My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.

Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”

Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.

*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*

MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.

ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.

Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..

Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.