A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
You Might Also Like
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
Ever wonder when birds fly in a V, why is one side is longer?
Because there are more birds on that side
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
My kid wants to earn money to go on a pricey school trip next year and asked if the tooth fairy gives money for other body parts.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
Ha.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Remember that financial writer who started her article by saying “Anyone can fall for a scam!” then admitted she thought Amazon was giving her a secret mission from the FBI and had to put her life savings in a shoe box and give it to a stranger immediately or she’d go to prison
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together