A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
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The fall of Netflix
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
people keep asking my pregnant ass what my cravings are. when you ask me that question my craving becomes a gun and a double shot of whiskey
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I don’t have a welcome mat at my front door bc I’m not a liar.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.