A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
You Might Also Like
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
I’m living in a parallel universe where I suck at perpendicular parking.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
bout dat hot dog summer
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
Hear me out, a q-tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away…
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
