Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.

Me: Wtf?

I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break

I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.

Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.

“I totally didn’t say that.” – God

I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks

I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them

my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked

Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.

The cashier just checked me out.

Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini

Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.

can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious

I would like even faster food.

ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?

MY ALLERGIST: Get out.

Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need

Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?

Just cleaned out my desk.

Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.

Good news: I found the plane!

Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.

Do you smoke after sex?

Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”

Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.

It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.

This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries

M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.

He’s dead now

There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.

8: mommy I want to study pastrami

Me: why pastrami specifically?

8: I’m just super interested in the stars

Me: astronomy you mean astronomy

8: pretty sure it’s pastrami

Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.

me: I was mugged by a snake

cop: was he armed?

me: *long pause* no

Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”

Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”

I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.

Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?