Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: any allergies?

me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.

Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful

[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit

My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.

I’m laying on the couch.

Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.

Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.

Not trying to brag but this cop says my rear end is smoking

Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.

Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!

Gonna need a little more blood sugar before I stand on a 6 foot ladder and have both hands involved in wiring.

2019: no carbs

2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies

ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!

KIDS: we do!

M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up

[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything

scary then: a phone call came from inside the house

scary now: a phone call

And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again

Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh

I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.

gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction

Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.

Woman on the mom forum wants to start a weekly play date club (good idea!) and another woman chimed in:

“Is it so you can steal information about women’s husbands so you can cheat with them, like how you cheated with mine?”

And now my Sunday just got MUCH more interesting!

“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied

My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.

Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?

Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.

“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.

I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone

The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing

At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.

eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house

Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.

Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.

finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all