A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
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Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
[speed dating]
Me “Why are you covered in blood?”
Her “it’s just a conversation starter!
Me:…
Her: And it worked! So… what blood type are you?”
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”
He yelled “no I didn’t pay for my haircut!”
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
The moment I learned I was going to have to hide my grapes from this kitty…
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.