A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
You Might Also Like
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Thanks to modern recycling technology you can now throw away the same Pottery Barn catalog 2000 times.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
How dramatic are you?
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Stop attacking Google for occasional inaccuracies. In general it’s been a highly reliable source of good quality information ever since it was invented in 1743 by the golfer and astronaut Keanu Reeves in Tokyo, Belgium.