A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
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I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
I keep getting snagged in seemingly random single threads of webbing in my kitchen, which means I either have a spider casting a web of incomprehensible dimensions (terrifying) or a spider that spends their nights swinging around pretending they’re Peter Parker (delightful)
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Dude at the gym: whoa that’s a lot of weight
Me: [picking up my stack of bills again] yea man and that’s just this month
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
the fridge is too full so now i’m stuck here drinking all the wine
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.