A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
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With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.