A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
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My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
if you pick a movie that’s longer than the flight the pilot gets a notification to fly around for a bit
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Them: Don’t let someone live rent-free in your head.
Me: They’re right.
*sends invoices to all the jerks from my past that I keep thinking about*
🙂🐾
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.