A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
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Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
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Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.