A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
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Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
At least try to make it slightly believable
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
Just saw a bird run across the street if you were wondering if anyone else is wasting their gifts.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
If you see a woman over 35 with her chin on her hand looking pensive, she is not deep in thought, she is trying to find that one chin hair that just suddenly appears out of nowhere and is strong enough to anchor a ship.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that