A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
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Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
the noise i just made
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $2 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst birthday presents ever.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.