A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
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I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Yeah I can explain that gap on my resume – I tried to move a picture in Word
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Moving tip: don’t learn how to read
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
happy to report that “what time is it/time for you to get a watch” is still being used by the youths
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
If you start a sentence with “Let me reiterate…” I’m gonna ignore it the second time too.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.