Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
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The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.