A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
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mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Someone filmed bats upside down and it looks like a goth nightclub
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
Vacation is a time when every part of you can relax except your bowels.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
If you keep the house dark, not only do you save on electricity, but it also looks cleaner.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band