A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
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What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Due to circumstances beyond my control… I am at work
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Of course the five second rule is in effect, have you seen grocery prices?
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
There’s something so spiritual about new life. When I look my baby nephew in the eyes I can’t stop thinking about how amazing it will be to connect with him on LinkedIn.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Second person to try hang gliding: Wow thanks for letting me be the first person to try this
Inventor: Suuure
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
My plan to avoid getting lost in the IKEA both succeded and failed. Apparently, when you try to mark your path with swedish meatballs, they quickly find you and escort you out.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.