Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too

Doctor: And how many partners have you had?

Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.

Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?

This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.

they split up moments later

My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude

Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids

ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:

wat if harry poter was pokemon

Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.

Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.

we shouldn’t call bad opinions “hot takes.” people like to be hot. they should be called something disgusting. tell people they “took a glumpy one”

I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.

Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”

Me: “So how does that make you feel?”

My plans: 2020:

mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years

Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker

When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.

Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.

Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”

“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.

Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.

I’m only drinking a lot of beer tonight because I need the room in the fridge.

Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.

We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.

I asked my wife 3 weeks ago to sit down and watch Evangelion with me for the first time.

She said yes.

Part ways through the first episode she asks:

“I wonder when we meet Evan.”

I asked, who?

She replies: “Evan. The guy the show’s named after. Evan Gelion.”

DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.

That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.

Husband: Where is the candy?

Me: What candy?

Husband: The Easter candy.

Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.

Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS

me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive

interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?

me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else

“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”

– Capitalism baby