A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
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Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
NYPD commissioner: you perp walked that guy?
Goon: sure did boss, real fuckin sexy just like you asked
Commissioner: what
Trying to transition into becoming a hat guy but want to make it seem natural so I’m wearing a very tiny hat and will wear a slightly larger one every day until I’m just wearing a normal hat.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
Them: “let me know if i’m ever annoying you”
Me: *10 seconds later “ok… well this is awkward”
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal