Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun

me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread

The summer’s almost over, and I gained 3 beach bodies.

When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.

BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.

[packing for holiday]

WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase

ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen

Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out

My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.

Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.

I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.

My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child

@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”

@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.

Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress

Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no

Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate

I just got lied to by 3557 people. That recipe was awful.

[inventing that little handle inside the car]

engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?

My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash

When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”

ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain

I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.

My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.

Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?

Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars

Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.

Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?

A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…

Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.

Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.