Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?

The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks

When someone cries, “No one gets me”

I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!

🤣🤣🤣

My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.

Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol

imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.

After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable

[first day as Uber driver]

Me: any song requests?

Passenger: no thanks

Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?

[Garden of Eden]

Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend

Eve: I thought I was your best friend?

Adam: I love you

Eve: aww I love you too

Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog

haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho

would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this

PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy

I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up

It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.

I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.

The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.

I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.

(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions

dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume

my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking

rest in peace, 2023.

2023-2023

Them: Can you imagine jogging—

Me: No

Them: —in this heat

Me:

The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.

[at the park with my husband and children]

Stranger: You have a beautiful family

Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud

Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.

Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.

Here’s your m

And an m for you

Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”

-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no variety

Exclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”

-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you

Me: Goodnight Moon.

Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?

If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”