A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.

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[Surrounded by a million deer]

Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.

Homer: D’oh.


That escalated quickly

– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.


I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.



Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.

Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.


her: what’s your sign? im a cancer
me [never heard of astrology before]: im a aids


You know what I love about people who buy followers?

I can laugh at their expense.


[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re here

me: no

interviewer: very good


True embarrassment lies within your first email address