@LizHackett

A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.

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@TheRealPalMal

[Surrounded by a million deer]

Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.

Homer: D’oh.

@Social_Mime

That escalated quickly

– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.

@818Newbie

I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.

@Book_Krazy

[Interview]

Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.

Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.

@themiltron

her: what’s your sign? im a cancer
me [never heard of astrology before]: im a aids

@PimpleEye

You know what I love about people who buy followers?

I can laugh at their expense.

@mrjohndarby

[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re here

me: no

interviewer: very good

@nsterdan

True embarrassment lies within your first email address