A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
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Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
🙁
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.