Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
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[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
I ran into my ex today.
Long story short, my car is totaled.
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
her: what’s your sign? im a cancer
me [never heard of astrology before]: im a aids
You know what I love about people who buy followers?
I can laugh at their expense.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re here
interviewer: very good
True embarrassment lies within your first email address