Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[blind date]

HER: I love the fall

ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming

😂😂😂😂😂😂

7: I don’t want you to have any more babies

Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies

7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50

roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti

My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.

Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.

I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg

I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.

[Sporting goods store]

Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out

Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.

Wife: Who gets the raptors?

Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…

Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.

Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song

Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers

I’m white, but…

Nope. Can’t do one of those today.

Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.

I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.

I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.

me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches

them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest

I’d hit that

-me, to my snooze alarm

Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine

children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?

Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!

I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.

Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work

If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.

SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it

ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?

My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.

sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”

15: ‘What’s it like being married?’

Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’

Math never tried to solve any of my problems.

therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see

me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face

therapist: please take this seriously.

me: ok it’s a car

therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/

cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please

my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh

Clark Kent: *removes glasses*

Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are