A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
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I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
Being a lawyer is so funny because someone will have their dog off the leash at a park, barreling towards my dog, and jog screaming “oh, he’s friendly” and I’ll scream back “And you have strict and total liability if he isn’t” and suddenly they turn into Usain Bolt
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
I’ve shouted so much sporting advice from my sofa already this summer. It’s very tiring but hopefully it’s helping.
🤣😂🤣😂
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon