Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[looking through photos of the kids]

Me: Best thing we’ve ever done

Wife: Having children?

Me: No, buying a camera

I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.

True freaking story!

“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff

Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.

I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.

Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.

French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.

Me: Where’s the 5th?

FG: Cinq.

I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.

You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.

We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.

*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*

being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old

The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal

[first day as a barista]

ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole

NICHOLE: oh come on

I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.

Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?

DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]

Hey man be careful on the trampoline one of my buddies never came back down

I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.

don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness

What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?

English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”

My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.

I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich

Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime

Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever

I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.

How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?

Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.

Also me: Oh shit that was today.

My husband is working from home and he’s still late.

Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.

I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?