A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
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I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
i wish there was a way to online shoplift 🙁
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
“what that mouth do?” complain
Ad placement of the day
#ooh
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.