A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
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Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
Worst bar ever.
