Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.

[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]

5 ways I am superior to a horse:

1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM

Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?

Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.

brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.

I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car

My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.

i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now

Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.

Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!

That’s commitment

Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.

Me: You had me at “get drunk.”

Friend: I didn’t say that.

Me: It’s a no from me.

me: you know what’s not cool?

13: *yelling from another room* YOU!

The kids were asking me what time they were all born and I said the youngest was born at 1:29am, and they all agreed that it must have been nice that she just came out while I was sleeping.

My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.

If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.

You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline

U U U U U U

An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.

WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea

So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.

One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.

PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good

ME: what

PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there

One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes

Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’

Neo-natal nurse: awww

Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?

Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not

Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight

Teamwork makes the dream work.

I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.

Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”

If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.