A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
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*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Yes, my kid will do the required amount of maths homework for a 6yo… when he has kids and they turn 6.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”