A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
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You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
I made cookie dough 2 days ago and pre molded it into balls and froze them so I would be able to bake ONE cookie at a time AS NEEDED but so far I’ve just eaten 6 balls of cookie dough over a 2 day span
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
rewatching 2016 and 2020 election night coverage at 2x speed, to catch up with the first two in the trilogy before the finale drops tomorrow
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.