A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
well this is just bullshirt
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Every time someone blocks you, you should lose a letter.
“Hlp! Whts hppnng? cn’t wrt nthng!”
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Fun Fact:
Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
a public service announcement
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
