A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
I got in trouble for taking pictures in a museum. They caught me with four paintings under my coat.
mom gave me mine for free
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
