@dad_on_my_feet

A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years

Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.

Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy

But should I sneeze on him just for fun?

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@DanMentos

“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube

@PJTLynch

*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!

@DillDoes

hello 911
“whats your emergency”
there’s someone in my home
“are you safe?”
it’s a girl
“do you like her”
*starts twirling hair*
I dont know

@hippieswordfish

wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600

@thegayfarmerguy

Doc: You have gallstones
Me: Ugh.
Doc: You can control it with diet.
Me: Great!
Doc: No chocolate, cheese, fried foods…
Me: Take it out.

@realHamOnWry

I’d never snoop through my girlfriend’s phone out of love, a deep respect and the inability to crack her password.

@BSnapz2019

Bad joke of the day:

What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.

@TheToddWilliams

[gun shop]

ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?

CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal

ME: Ok

CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately

@pmarca

Best observation on financial markets that anyone has ever made or will ever make: