@dad_on_my_feet

A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years

Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.

Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy

But should I sneeze on him just for fun?

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@Frankie_Val

Gay men aren’t fags. Guys who do 70mph, on a suburban side street, in their second-rate sports cars are fags.

@MizzSlaughter

Take your time, Officer. I have nothing but respect for the law. Your imminent death on this dark side street can wait.

@garrykerls

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is problematic

me: then maybe give me a different word

@ToxicProbably

When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster

@KizerBillhelm

*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*

@mommajessiec

Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”

7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”

Me: “Yes.”

[4 minutes later]

7yo: “What about pants?”

@Tw1tter_K1tten

Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”

*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*

@Cycloptomese

[hanging out in my basement]

Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.

Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.

@NoTheOtherJohn

*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*