A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
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flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease