Gay men aren’t fags. Guys who do 70mph, on a suburban side street, in their second-rate sports cars are fags.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
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Take your time, Officer. I have nothing but respect for the law. Your imminent death on this dark side street can wait.
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”
*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.