Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add

Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.

If you can’t beat them

Just try sunny side up

Someone 20yrs younger than me was flirting with me & asked for my phone number. I thanked him & said that’s a bit too Demi and Ashton for me, but it was very sweet of him.

Reader, he was too young to know who I was talking about.

King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.

GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.

JESUS: What’s a martyr?

GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?

little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve

A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.

I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.

*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?

Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.

“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff

October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.

50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.

petition to add fitted sheet folding to the olympics.

If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.

[at swimming pool]

Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem

EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore

My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.

One arm at a time.

contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to

me: yea i don’t

[first day as librarian]

guy: i’m looking for a book—

me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK

This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas

Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!

[8 years later]

Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.

This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet

How to get a woman:

1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep driving

She’s yours now, plus you have a new car.

When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.

If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.

employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears

[first day in a new house]

Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home

Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit

FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?

ME: No way

FRIEND: Why not?

ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me