Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.

My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.

Just a reminder: 3-year-olds like to be given a choice! When you’re getting ready to go, ask them “would you like to wear sneakers or sandals?” so that they feel INCLUDED and EMPOWERED to scream at the top of their lungs that they want to wear their Mickey Mouse bedroom slippers

I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.

Me: *researching sore foot*

WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?

sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over

Seaweed is great for when you want to eat pure salt but wish it had the texture of slime.

for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.

What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?

[job interview]

HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking

*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair

HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”

Google: and you want to represent us?

Me: yes, I am very qualified

Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room

Me: overruled

I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.

ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!

From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customers

holy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom

Chinese military tactics are pure genius.

9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.

Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.

9: But then you got better?

Me: No. I got spell check.

Me irl

The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.

KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks

ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog

I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.

Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.

*God creating Eminem*

This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.

When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”

Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.

The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter

me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,

Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”

From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’