A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
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Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?