“He’s a jerk. I’m over him anyway.
(5 minutes later)
Ooh, he texted! I want to have his babies!”
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
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All these people training for marathons and I’m over here, on my couch, trying to lasso the remote with my phone charger.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
A new study shows dogs recognize pictures of their owners. Also, they’re like, “Why are you showing me photos? I’m a dog.”
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
“Wait, let me explain..”
Depression is an evolutionary adaptation, predators can’t eat you if you don’t leave your house
Shave legs ??
Bikini wax ??
Lose 10 lbs ??
Pluck eyebrows ??
Sexy panties ??
Ready for my big *date!
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.