@bearcub577

A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.

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@wolfmannjr

Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes

@aka_fatman

Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?

Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.

@ruslg1

I don’t date Left handed chicks cause you know, Lefty loosey Righty tighty.

@withanewname

“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”

“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”

“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”

Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”

@Staggfilms

DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:

– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash

– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth

– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry

@AngieDavisHaha

I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.

@Ygrene

Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?

@JeffreyCook

A friend just texted me from a trans-Atlantic flight saying folks are on their hands and knees looking for not one, but THREE missing cats on-board.

Just thought everyone on this website would enjoy that

@AnneM69

I love people who IM me to tell me that they left a voice message to say that they sent me an email