@bearcub577

A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.

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@MoistPork

“He’s a jerk. I’m over him anyway.

(5 minutes later)

Ooh, he texted! I want to have his babies!”

-Women

@ramblinma

All these people training for marathons and I’m over here, on my couch, trying to lasso the remote with my phone charger.

@PFTompkins

We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.

@juliussharpe

A new study shows dogs recognize pictures of their owners. Also, they’re like, “Why are you showing me photos? I’m a dog.”

@kimlockhartga

A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”

@InternetHippo

Depression is an evolutionary adaptation, predators can’t eat you if you don’t leave your house

@GreenEyedLoon

Shave legs ??
Bikini wax ??
Lose 10 lbs ??
Pluck eyebrows ??
Mani/pedi ??
Sexy panties ??

Ready for my big *date!

*gynecologist

@Gupton68

I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.