A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
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Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
Funny that all this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads before Twitter came along.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.