A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
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(my date twirling her hair)
“Can I use your bathroom quick?”
Absolutely, gorgeous.
*hears the longest fart ever as she closes the door*
Watching the Hunger Games with my 9yo and she says, “Why can’t they just move to Canada where it’s peaceful?”
Your 20s are for fucking up & figuring yourself out. Except for me, who should have had every single minute detail of my future plans set in stone the second I stopped being a teenager.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous