A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
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Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
If you thought the debate was bad, you really won’t like the swimsuit competition.
My real name is maybe one of the top 5 whitest names ever invented and I just picked up my online order at a KFC that is deep in the hood where I’m maybe the only white guy within a mile and as soon as I went in they said “Here he is. Thats (my name)” and I lol’d.
What element do criminals hate to see?
Copper
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Today my friend who cuts my hair told me last year my husband walked in to the salon one afternoon and said “I want to dye my hair blonde but I don’t want to look like I’m going through a personal crisis. Do you think we can accomplish that?”
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..