Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*

ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!

[1776]
America: We want the British out

[1931]
Australia: We want the British out

[1947]
India: We want the British out

[2020]
Britain: We want the British out

Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.

I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.

Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session

Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything

Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?

The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.

[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord

Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”

“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”

My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.

HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it

ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys

Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?

4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.

Me: pick your poison….

Him: a margarita would be nice…

Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad

Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.

This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.

[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap

I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.

Me: He’s crowning!

King Charles: please don’t say it like that.

Five Secrets of Successful People:

1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets

If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.

I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.

I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.

Sometimes I spell my name (bob) backwards just to see who’s paying attention.

My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.

Parenting is easy

ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now

“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?

[before horsepower was invented]

car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons

*sniffs glue

glue: I have a boyfriend

There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.

Dear America

Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.

Many thanks

England

I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.