A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
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Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
One time, I swallowed a dictionary whole.
It was thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Doctor’s office: We need to reschedule your June 10 physical, next available is July 20th.
Me: Sorry, I will be out of town
Office: (irritated) Well, are there any days you ARE available?
Me: I’m free June 10.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.