Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[job interview]

BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person

ME: Well I’m definitely a human

My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.

the zen of frog

I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.

“So sorry” -Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” -Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” -Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” -Apologise to me

When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.

So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.

I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.

bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah

I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”

Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?

Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?

Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*

My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.

ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft

When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.

I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.

the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler

Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.

Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputy

Things we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and Roll

Things we will do
-Survive
-Rock You

Things we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you

If politicians can text my cell phone asking for money I should be able to text them directly with policy suggestions.

“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows

Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.

15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.

Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!

15: Uhhh…what?

Me: Never mind.

last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔

A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.

And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.

Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.

What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.

I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.

Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.

Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.

Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.

What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”