Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.

Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin

When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.

Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.

Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies

Me: … No worries!

Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.

My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.

Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.

Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth

Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.

Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations

Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”

Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.

I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.

The “police officer” has been a failed experiment, we must return to “lawman” and it’s a guy who’s also the town dentist and saloon proprietor

I know a horrible idea when I see it.

Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur

me: I won’t I’m not an idiot

Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery

me: *eyes narrow*

Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.

(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?

[ouija board]

How are you feeling?

*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-Y

What the!? A cheesy board!?

G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S

4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.

Me: How do you know?

4: I licked it.

I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.

I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background

I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next

Who called pee urine when it’s clearly holey water?

Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome

When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.

Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…