A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
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Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Thanks, Facebook, for reminding me that on this very day back in 2012 I used a stick of butter to grease the 3 year old’s trapped legs from a bunk bed ladder.
Parenting is fun.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
*exercises sarcastically*
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Sunday August 25th is Banana Split Day! And where do they make the best banana splits?
Sundae school.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
this is 10/10 content no notes
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
“Does this look infected?”
*points to the entire world*