Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:

Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeans

Disadvantages
None that I can think of

periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.

I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.

Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”

Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”

Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.

Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude

We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.

If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit

This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.

I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.

calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves

In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????

Im out of cotton balls. 😒

I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.

Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!

Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.

I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.

Her: Are you getting off early today?

Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!

Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.

A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”

Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.

britain’s three elite institutions

“I’m gonna call it a day.”

– God, naming things

I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.

I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning

When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien

After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit

HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard

When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.