A chocolate advent calendar is a test of restraint that I simply do not have
You Might Also Like
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
