A chocolate advent calendar is a test of restraint that I simply do not have
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I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
This kinda thing happens to me often
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
This is my bus stop.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
The ad said “these dresses get compliments” like I’m some kinda compliment w#@r*.
Anyway, I’m gonna have a look at those dresses
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
My default excuse for cancelling plans is “poetry.” No one has ever asked me to elaborate.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
my fav colour is also hitler
