A choir of Spring onions
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people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
“Twister 3” should be told from a cow’s POV.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
how to have fun when you’re poor
Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning
Just a reminder, folks:
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Pharmacist. There’s one particular cupboard in the pharmacy that is locked all the time with one lock & two padlocks. I’m the only person with the keys. The other staff all believe there are very serious drugs only I’m allowed to access in there. It’s actually my snack cupboard.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
What to do when threatened by a bear:
1. Play dead.
2. No longer have to pretend.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
“Of course I’ve tried that!”
– me lying to my doctor about not making a simple lifestyle change he suggested because I’d rather just get a pill to fix it
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
