A choir of Spring onions
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#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
Waffles are just pancakes with abs.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.