A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
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Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
I’m going to tell you a story. It’s a story…
